A lil something I live byYou can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all he's left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see him, or you can be full of the love you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember him only that he is gone, or you can cherish his memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what he'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on

March 27, 2010

Oh.. how so much can change in almost a year...

..As ridiculous as this sounds, "She's Everything" by Brad Paisley, makes me cry every time it randomly plays on my zune. At the same time though, I'm comforted by the memory it brings back. It's been 9 months, Jeff, and not a day has gone by where I haven't thought about you or stared into the sky.. I keep thinking about the last convo we had together on yahoo before it all happened, and how I had to rush off because of work.. I wish I knew that it would've been the last chance I would have to talk to you, cause I would've just ditched that day so I could talk longer. I miss you more and more each day, Jeff.. but I'm glad I was lucky enough to have been your girl.  CLD look at you girl♥

March 24, 2010

my fav song ♥†♥

Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night
Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right
And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark
Wishin' you were next to me, your head against my heart
If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days
Seems it's been forever that I've felt this way

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

March 06, 2010

one more day!!

it's amazing how you can have so many people around you, yet feel so alone. i've lost the love of my life and i feel so alone...
FOR ONE MORE DAY - claudia and i talked about that there was an author and he wrote a book about if you lost someone you loved, what would you do with one more day with them? automatically, i thought of Jeff. i would drive his truck with him, I know he loved his truck but he loved my love the most.. that was what he always told me.., ride to our fav spot up the hill, rub his back, look into his green eyes, feelin his warm gently touch, drink a beer with him, eat breakfast (complete with 2 eggs, scrabble, pancakes, toast and oatmeal/cream of wheat and of course, milk) i would want to just sit with him and listen to him and laugh, and finally fall asleep in his arms.. i miss him so much, i can't wait till i see him again.

March 05, 2010

RIP 04/28/79 to 06/29/09

Jeff is my everything, he was my world. i miss him so much, no one knows the pain i feel. i was his Pancake, till the end. "4 ever mine" was his favorite phrase. :)  i'll never forget our limitless trips. he's the reason why i find peace in the eyes of a horse. He is my hero. i wish i had so much more time with him. i miss him dearly. He changed my life. and i can gaurntee that he could not only make you crack a smile, but laugh till you tummy hurt. i know he use to make mine hurt.
sometimes the pain hurts so bad but i know your in heaven remindin' me of all our laughs and the love we shared. i'll never forget the times.. i never forget our tractor ride. it gets tough sometimes but i remember you and what we had.
when they picked up your stuff, i cried. when we sold that wrack of your truck., i bawled my eyes out. we found your cigarettes hidden in your seat, . i wore your hoodie and ur pj's almost every night, and found the Longhorns docTag in a form of a bone in the pocket.  Peanut, you shoulda saw me in those things! exspecially the overall the chest pocket was down to my waist! they were gigantic! i'm sure you were crackin' up when you saw me try to walk in them too. your momma did.. i miss you more than anything. i would give anything for just one more day with you. all that keeps me goin' is that your in heaven watchin' over me. i am so sorry for all those times i was disrespectful to you. you were my world, hell you still are. there's not a minutes that goes by that i don't think of you. with tears streamming down my face, i love you dearly Jeff
your my number one, from when we saw us the first time, till june 29, 2009 , the last time i saw you alive, to today and the future. i will never forget you. and never get use to the pain. i hope your up in heaven ' huntin', riding', and enjoy your time... i miss you so much, words cannot explain it but most of all, Jefferson Dallas Androis, i love you with all i have. love always, your Pancake.

March 03, 2010

Do you really look at pictures?!?

do you look at a picture and really look at it? Probably not as often as you think. I look at pictures now and they warm my heart, they break my heart, they remind me of who he was and is...so many memories...so many dreams...so very much love, and so many questions.. I don't know how to explain, but when I look at these pictures, every single one of them, I see so much love, so much pride. I see the fun we had, the sad times and the good times, friends, family..all of them, so close, so much a part of each other...

his momma holding him as a baby he sleeps in her lap, the mothers love on her face, the peace on his, knowing he is safe.....
His Grandma Peggy, the love of life, the laughter, the desire to see it all, do it all and enjoy every minute of it...she taught him so much about living life...he got so much of his spirit from her...
His Grandpa Leon, the picture taken just before they left for Wyoming to spend a week on a working ranch ....he called him Gramps...he taught him about hunting, fishing, how things move, bullriding and their common love of trucks. ...
their memorial to Jeff in Mayfield...a permanent place for them to go and visit him, when they can't make it to Texas..
I remember how he felt about his fathers death, and how much he missed him when he looked at these pics... now the two , I can see them up there...looking down, having there usual conversation...
he is watching me now and watching all of his friends and family, making sure that we take care and take care of his memory. !
So, next time you look at a picture, really look at it! You'll be surprised how much you'll really see! I'm not surprised by the love I see, I know the love he gave me, and I know how much I love him...always.
R.I.P!! 04/28/79 to 06/29/09, TILL WE MEET AGAIN

My Dear...

.My dear love! I miss you so much
It keeps hurting, I can’t stop crying
My eyes always search for you in the sky
Heart longs for finding you in the heaven

My dear love! I love you so much
I feel so empty without you
I am so scared of my future without you
Heart longs for being around you for my safety

My dear love! You are my angel
I still feel that you are caring me from above
I tell my broken heart that you are still watching me
Heart longs for your care even from heaven

My dear love! You are my protector
I remember you when I feel lonely
I talk to you when I break into pieces
Heart longs for your support even from heaven

My dear love!
I Love You!